Madonna, playing MGM, will have to raise her game to shock Las Vegans

Yeah, she exposed a boob in Istanbul, but haven't we all?

So she compared a far-right French politician to a Nazi in Tel Aviv and then cheesed off some Russians by denouncing a recent law that she deemed discriminatory toward gays.

That's nothing compared with the reaction Madonna got in Poland, where prior to a gig in Warsaw, a trio of renowned exorcists - is there such a thing? - wrote a letter to the Polish people urging them to pray for the show to get canceled because they found Madge offensive to their religious ideals.

Undaunted, the Material Mom forever embraces the role of provocateur, reveling in controversy the way a kid beams with pride over a gold star affixed to a spelling test.

"I'm a sinner," she sings on the song of the same name from her latest disc, "MDNA." "I like it that way."

"Get my kicks when I'm walking the wire," she adds later on the cocksure electro vamp.

For three decades now, Madonna has enjoyed tweaking prudish types, be it with burning crosses in videos or flashing her lady bits in her "Sex" book.

But all of this poses a bit of a dilemma for her as she visits Vegas for a pair of shows this weekend.

Here, we're not offended by much of anything.

This is a town that has as much use for chastity as it does snow tires, where the asses on billboards aren't limited to those running for office.

So what's a girl to do when her career has frequently been posited on pissing people off?

Well, turn to us, for starters.

In order to help Madonna live up to her scandalous rep, we thought we'd offer a few suggestions on how she might push the buttons of us Las Vegans.

■ Refuse to mock everyone else's driving skills when it rains while smugly taking satisfaction in her own.

■ Require Spearmint Rhino dancers to be hired on the basis of inner beauty and command of library science.

■ Argue strenuously that the maximum size of novelty cocktails should be capped at half a yard.

■ Denounce bingo as Satan's powerball.

■ Cleverly refer to Oscar Goodman as Oscar Badman.

■ Make Holly Madison wear pants.

■ Make Criss Angel wear pastels.

■ Outlaw Crisco on Fremont Street.

■ Call Celine Dion, ask if her refrigerator's running, tell her to go catch it, laugh, hang up.

■ Replace "Thunder from Down Under" with "Pipefitters from Pittsburgh."

■ Demand that The Killers change their name to The Let's-Just-Talk-It-Out-and-Come-to-a-Peaceful-Resolution-ers.

■ Encourage Donny and Marie to incorporate more Young Jeezy numbers into their live show.

■ Limit the size of the belt buckles during the National Finals Rodeo to that of a hubcap's dimensions.

■ Get in on the trend of musician-branded restaurants on the Strip with the Justify My Love Falafel Emporium.

■ Urge Cirque du Soleil higher-ups to abandon their upcoming Michael Jackson tribute show in favor of a production based on the collected works of Nipsey Russell.

■ Only perform songs in concert from "I'm Breathless: Music from and Inspired by the Film Dick Tracy."

■ Remove the Vermin disc from the Double Down Saloon jukebox in favor of John Tesh's "Sax on the Beach."

■ Insist that anything written by the author of this story becomes mandatory reading.

Contact reporter Jason Bracelin at jbracelin@ reviewjournal.com or 702-383-0476.