Bands, booze and canines: The ultimate guide to the Fremont Street Experience

To borrow a line from Clark Griswold, you’re all but guaranteed to need plastic surgery to remove the smile from your face afterward.

Such are the good times the Fremont Street Experience can conjure.

But you have to know what you’re doing in order to maximize the mirth in this boozy fantasia of light, sound and dudes wielding rubber chickens in their tighty-whities — trust us, it’s a thing.

Here’s your ultimate guide to experiencing the Fremont Street Experience like a boss — or at least a solid, midlevel manager.

Begin with the bands

It’s like Mother Teresa once famously said, “Peace begins with a smile … and nothing makes me smile quite like a tasty live set from the mighty Smashmouth — free of charge, no less!”

OK, so we may be paraphrasing a little there, but her point remains valid: Free concerts — a Fremont Street staple — totally rule.

And in recent years, the Fremont Street Experience has upped the ante on its annual Downtown Rocks concert series, bringing in bigger names, like emo/pop-punk favorites Taking Back Sunday, Dashboard Confessional and the All-American Rejects, ’90s alt-rock radio fixtures like the Toadies, Live and the Gin Blossoms and more contemporary acts like Teddy Swims, Jelly Roll and Walk the Moon.

When national acts aren’t playing, there are nightly house bands on the Fremont Street Experience’s three stages, featuring everyone from high-energy popsters Zowie Bowie to classic rock tribute act RetroVox, who are still maintaining that “Peaceful Easy Feeling” after all these years.

Peak people-watching

On an average Thursday afternoon at the Fremont Street Experience, a man creating brightly colored drawings of various insects hawked his wares next to a couple of ladies dressed as naughty policewomen while Pennywise the Clown leered at a pair of showgirls with heart-shaped peach plumage and matching pasties.

If people-watching were a sport, this would be its Olympics.

This begets the obvious question: Where’s the best place to take in this carnival of flesh, stupid human tricks and grown men costumed as Paw Patrol characters?

If you want to do so booze-free, hit the Starbucks patio at the Golden Nugget. If you prefer a little alcoholic accompaniment, there are numerous outdoor spots to people-watch with a drink in hand: the Patio Bar at the Four Queens, the block-long Circa Bar, the open-air Troy Liquor Bar on the second floor of the Golden Nugget.

As for us? We prefer the Cowgirl Up Cantina at Binion’s, where the seats are topped with real saddles. Giddy up.

Get your ‘Purple Rain’ on

If singing in front of strangers is your thing, head to Cat’s Meow, a 10,000-square-foot-plus entertainment/karaoke club on the second floor of Neonopolis, where the voices of revelers and staffers soar in unison with the cholesterol levels at the Heart Attack Grill below.

Though Cat’s Meow possesses a library of 40,000 songs, it’s culled that to a list of around 600, divided by genre, with the emphasis on high-energy, crowd-pleasing tunes. In addition to the concert hall sound system and lighting rigs, you’re never alone on stage, as there’s always a professional singer/MC to work the crowd and help you out if need be.

This comes in handy if you’re feeling the effects of that third beer and maybe forget the words to the final verse of “Shook Me All Night Long.”

Game day greatness

Sure, your team stinks, but you know what doesn’t disappoint like that squad?

Watching them in action on the mammoth, 40-foot-tall, high-definition screen at pool-meets-sportsbook Stadium Swim at Circa.

With six pools on three levels and a capacity of 4,000, Stadium Swim is the place to be on game day, and will totally make up for the fact that you just gambled away Junior’s college fund on the game.

Party with Fido

The pet-friendly patio at Dick’s Last Resort in Neonopolis is the spot to knock back a few with man’s best friend in tow. Of course, you’ll have to withstand the trademark put-downs from Dick’s staffers.