Las Vegas’ best dive bars

Go ahead, spring for the puke insurance.

It’s a worthwhile investment — only $20, says the homemade sign on the wall scrawled out in Magic Marker — considering all the bacon martinis and shots served up in miniature ceramic toilets here.

We’ve entered the “Happiest Place on Earth” — so reads the awning outside the doorway — time to shut up and drink at the Double Down Saloon, Vegas’ most iconic dive bar.

Like the B-movies that play on the dented, dated TVs above the bar, the place is a gritty fantasia of knowing, pointed outlandishness.

Late globe-trotting chef and TV personality Anthony Bourdain counted it among the top five bars in the world, and fellow Travel Channel staple Samantha Brown also has sung the joint’s praises.

Comedian Dave Attell partied there during an episode of his up-all-night “Insomniac” show, and Maxim, Playboy and Rolling Stone are just a few of the publications that have singled out the Double Down, 4640 Paradise Road, as one of the best joints of its kind.

And so if we’re going to dive into Vegas dives, this is the place to start.

But before we go any further, let’s define the terms. What exactly is a dive bar?

Well, there’s a certain ineffable quality to these magical little realms of happiness — and they do tend to be little — an often worn, lived-in feel that’s decidedly non-cookie-cutter.

The randomness is often part of the appeal, in fact — these places can’t be neatly planned; a certain chaos swirls in their dingy DNA.

It’s an aura, a vibe, frequently a community, and it cannot be faked: A true dive is as organic as the patrons that populate it.

For further clarification, who better to ask than Double Down owner P Moss himself?

“A dive bar is something that, over decades, gets the s—- kicked out of it, and develops personality,” Moss explained to the RJ in an interview a few years back. “Anybody that says they can create that, they don’t know what they’re talking about.”

On that note, let’s crack open a 12-pack of must-visit Vegas dives.

(Note: We chronicle even more killer dives, chief among them the Silver Stamp, Berlin Bar, Horse Trailer Hideout, ReBar and Davy’s, in our rundown of downtown Arts District bars.)

The Dive Bar

To quote the late, great Lemmy Kilmister: “We want to be the band that if we moved in next door to you, your lawn would die.”

Now, the Dive Bar is a venue, not one of the greatest rock ’n’ roll frontmen of all time, but as the rock club equivalent of the Motorhead singer, the exact same sentiment applies.

Your shower will need to take a shower after you attempt to rinse off the residue of a night spent at this gloriously gritty joint, which has long been one of the city’s best venues for underground punk/metal/goth/rockabilly shows. 4110 S. Maryland Parkway

Huntridge Tavern

We can’t confirm that the ghost of Charles Bukowski haunts this place, but … he definitely should.

After all, this wizened, time-honored hang — serving up budget booze for over 60 years now — could have sprung directly from the pages of one of that legendary barfly’s novels.

The wood-paneled decor is decidedly no-frills, but it looks great through the bottom of a beer glass. There are rock, punk and metal shows here, the sounds usually as raucous as the setting.

Here’s what Bourdain said of the joint after stopping by for a shot of Jameson’s Black during Season 3 of his “Parts Unknown” TV series:

“The Huntridge Tavern: Where those who have to live it and see it, the things that men do day after day, night after night, in a town where people are encouraged to do their worst. Where they can drink the stain away. This is the side of Vegas I like.”

Second that. 1116 E. Charleston Blvd.

Stage Door casino

Physicists will tell you that time machines don’t exist.

LOL, poindexters, the Stage Door casino continues to prove otherwise.

A Bud Light and a shot of Jager for $5 or a beer and a hot dog the size of one of Big Foot’s thumbs for $3, all mere steps from the Strip?

What is this, 1996?

And it’s not only discount hooch on tap in this small, homey bar tattooed in band stickers. Ol’ Blue Eyes himself was known to hang at the Stage Door in the 1970s, and in his honor, high rollers can spring for The Sinatra, a $175 bottle of Jack Daniel’s Sinatra Select served with ice on the side, just the way the Chairman liked it. 4000 Linq Lane

Rusty Spur Saloon

The images of Merle Haggard and Johnny Cash that adorn the wood-paneled walls next to Iron Maiden album covers and Social Distortion concert posters encapsulate the vibe at this country-leaning hang with punk rock undertones.

This place is the antithesis of a boxy, brightly lit honky-tonk, an in-your-face dive bar: small in size, big in attitude.

Know that iconic black-and-white portrait of a sneering Johnny Cash flipping the bird? (It’s framed behind the bar here in case you don’t.)

Well, the Spur is pretty much the embodiment of said image. If you favor grit over glam, this is your spot. 8025 S. Dean Martin Drive

Hard Hat Lounge

Like a veteran Hollywood actor who partied his jowls into hound dog territory, the Hard Hat got a facelift a few years back and looks like a kid again. (“Kid” being a relative term here; the place opened in the early ’60s.)

Despite the fresh decor, the approachable, neighborhood bar vibe remains and — living up to its name — there’s a daily construction worker discount with $1 off select beverages.

What’s more, the Hard Hat is the home of the brick-sized Stay Tuned Burgers. 1675 S. Industrial Road

Champagnes Cafe

Upon entering this gaudily svelte throwback lounge, old-school Vegas aficionados will feel like they have died and gone to heaven after being buried in a velvet shroud.

How legendary is this place?

Well, the word is spelled out in lights — L-E-G-E-N-D-A-R-Y — right above the bar alongside framed pictures of vintage Vegas — is that the iconic Stardust marquee we see? — and lush drapery.

There are classic cocktails aplenty, late-night karaoke jams and an excellent comedy open mic night every Tuesday. 3557 S. Maryland Parkway

Dino’s Lounge

Everybody, all together now: “Every rose has its thorn / Just like every night has its dawn / Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song …”

And where do all those cowboys and cowgirls and punks, hipsters and tourists-in-the-know go to sing them when in downtown Vegas?

Dino’s, naturally.

This has been one of Vegas’ go-to karaoke spots for decades now, with usually packed sessions beginning at 10 p.m. Thursdays through Saturdays.

1516 Las Vegas Blvd. South

Moondoggies Bar & Grill

All are welcome at this friendly, surf-meets-Buffalo Bills-themed bar.

The place takes its name from Gidget’s wave-riding beau in the ’50s-’60s book/film/TV series but is more about the gridiron than the beach these days, with its sports pub bent.

Seeing as how it’s a Bills bar, reveling in Super Bowl victories is not the draw here, but rather top-notch pizza and wings washed down with affordable drinks in a comfortable, come-as-you-are setting. 3240 Arville St.

Red Dwarf

According to folklore, the Red Dwarf is a devilish imp from the Detroit area whose appearance presages bad things.

Now, we haven’t seen the little troublemaker at his namesake Vegas bar, where trouble (of the good kind) is readily made, but he did bring Detroit-style pizza with him — and it’s been a huge hit.

This tiki-meets-punk bar has become a locals favorite with its heterogeneous mash of thatch-roofed booths, walls lined with old local show fliers, voluminous craft beer list, Dole Whip cocktails and, perhaps most notoriously, that pizza, made from a personal recipe of owner Russell Gardner. 1305 Vegas Valley Drive

Grey Witch

A framed sign near the entryway reads “We’re all mad” here, and it’s a harbinger of what’s to come at this new bar/music venue/emporium of clown paintings, ceramic cats, taxidermied boar heads and dismembered baby dolls in glass containers from Gardner and the folks behind the Red Dwarf.

The Grey Witch’s interior design reflects its titular sorceress, who utilizes both helpful and harmful magic: The front of the place is brightly illuminated with polished wood tables for dining and is all-ages until 10 each night.

The back of the bar is decidedly shadowier, with more gargoyle statues, less greenery.

Yes, Gardner’s signature Detroit-style pizza is also served here. No, you won’t leave hungry. 722 W. Sunset Road, Henderson

Atomic Liquors

When tracing the gene map of Las Vegas imbibing, pretty much everything dates back to Atomic Liquors, which received the city’s inaugural liquor store license before becoming its first free-standing bar in 1952.

Barbara Streisand was a regular back in the day, as were Clint Eastwood, the Rat Pack, the Smothers Brothers and plenty of other celebs — both The Shins and Carlos Santana have shot music videos at Atomic in recent years.

You can still feel that sense of history amid the glowing neon and vintage signage, although nowadays, there’s a full kitchen — The Atomic Burger is the bomb; dad joke detonated — as well as an extensive craft brew list.

Bonus: The patio is among the best people-watching spots on Fremont East. 917 E. Fremont St.