2014: The funniest things celebrities said in Vegas

I am an Elfman, so (like Santa) I enjoy punishing people who are naughty and rewarding people who are nice.

But 2014 has punched a lot of people in the face, so let’s skip the naughty, and keep today’s column lighthearted for this end-of-the-year-list:

These were the best celebrity quote machines who came to Vegas and told me the following funny things.

1. Singer Jamie Lynn Spears: “I didn’t name myself. But my dad’s name is Jamie. My Mom’s name is Lynn. So I guess they got really clever and named me Jamie Lynn.”

2. Mirage headliner Kathy Griffin on her plastic surgery: “My goal is to look like a fetus, if I can. It’s no longer enough to look a little better in a photo, or do a little Photoshop. You basically have to look like ‘Alien,’ and just be eyes and a smile, and maybe two nostrils.”

3. Venetian headliner Jennifer Coolidge on her plastic surgery: “You look like when you go to one of those horrible carnivals and you’re on a ride that goes through someone’s mouth. It’s like that big clown-face that you don’t know you have until you smile.”

4. Palms headliner Bill Maher: “Pot could be a great issue for Republicans. This could be an issue they could steal because it has everything they love already. It’s about individual rights, and small government, and taking jobs from Mexicans, everything they have always stood for.”

5. Venetian headliner Iliza Shlesinger: “My hair is just, like, five pieces of very soft straw that need managing.”

6. Venetian headliner Whitney Cummings on being a “damaged” comic: “I was in a really good relationship with a guy who was super trustworthy, and loving, and sweet. And I was like, ‘You’re making me less money. Can you please cheat on me, or lie to me, or something, so I can get some jokes?’ ”

7. Jay Mohr on his wife, Nikki Cox, asking him about watching porn, long ago: “She said, ‘I don’t know why you watch that. I’m a sure thing.’ ”

8. Boston singer Gary Pihl: “There was a fan the other night we saw in a meet-and-greet — again — and she said, ‘This is show number 114 for me.’ I was, like, ‘Wow, that’s more shows than my wife’s been to — and more shows than some of the guys in the band have been to.’ ”

9. Alice Cooper: “I always tell my band, ‘Three things I can guarantee you. You’re going to see the world. You’re going to get paid. You’re going to get stitches.’”

10. I jokingly asked the excellent Mirage headliners Boyz II Men if they would do any singing-ventriloquism because they perform in ventriloquist Terry Fator’s theater in the Mirage: “No,” singer Nate Morris said. “That’s the Britney show.”

ELFMAN WROTE A CLEAN BOOK?

Yes, I, Doug Elfman, being of sound mind, wrote a book with no cussing in it. Very unlikely, but true.

“I Know What I Have and I’m Grateful” is a nearly G-rated Southern-lit story of a girl who becomes a woman, who loves her Daddy and alcohol, who sometimes clashes with her mom, and falls in love.

Feel free to buy it on Amazon. It’s just $3.99 for the ebook, because I love you that much.

I also have a new interview podcast, the “Doug Elfman Show,” coming to Android podcast apps, iTunes and Web streaming this week. (TuneIn Radio app has it right now.)

My first guest is Lee Mallory, the rascally poet you can see with other poets downtown at First Friday, Jan. 2, on Colorado Avenue between Third Street and Casino Center Boulevard. The podcast is almost three hours of sometimes-bizarre dialogue. Not kidding. You’re welcome.

SO MANY ANNOUNCEMENTS

Bellagio pianist David Osborne is scheduled to play piano today at the White House while President Barack Obama opens gifts. You can see Osborne perform around 5:50 a.m. Christmas Eve on MSNBC’s “Morning Joe.” He’s back at the Bellagio on Friday. …

Donny & Marie extended their residency through 2015 at the Flamingo. …

Jennifer Lopez will perform New Year’s Eve at the Colosseum at Caesars Palace. Tickets: $175. Is this the beginning of Caesars’ J Lo era? …

And The Venetian’s all-female-comedians series “Lipshtick” has been renewed, with 2015 promising shows by Cummings, Roseanne, Elayne Boosler, Shlesinger, Coolidge, Loni Love, Lisa Lampanelli, Caroline Rhea, Fortune Feimster, Cameron Esposito, and (this is exciting) the funny all-folk duo Garfunkel & Oats.

Doug Elfman’s column appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. Email him at delfman@reviewjournal.com. He blogs at reviewjournal.com/elfman.