‘The Back-up Plan’

Dear J-Lo: I hope you have a backup plan. Because "The Back-up Plan" definitely isn't it.

It may be Jennifer Lopez's first romantic comedy since the equally dim "Monster-in-Law," way back in 2005. (Was that only five years ago?)

But while the passage of time hasn't affected Lopez's effervescent Jenny-from-the-block appeal, it also hasn't improved her taste in scripts.

Then again, anybody with any taste in rom-com scripts wouldn't inflict "The Back-up Plan" on us.

Oh, it's no worse than "Leap Year," "Valentine's Day" and other recent romantic bomb-edies that have assaulted our collective sensibilities. Which doesn't make it any better, either. (Hey, at least it's not "Gigli.")

It's merely the latest in a seemingly endless string of disposable contrivances that test our tolerance -- and our patience.

Unless, of course, you're a fan of movies where you can announce the plot moves before they happen and recite the punch line-punctuated dialogue along with the actors.

Lopez plays Zoe, a charmingly frazzled New York pet store owner who's determined to shut off the biological alarm clock that's been ringing in her ears for far too long.

The fact that there's no Mr. Right (or even a Mr. Right Now) in her life isn't going to stop a go-getter like Zoe. Instead of waiting around for some guy, she finds a clinic where an anonymous sperm donor will help her baby dreams come true.

Naturally, as soon as she undergoes artificial insemination, Zoe undergoes another life-changing experience: the inevitable "meet cute" with her obvious one-and-only.

This being New York, the fated-to-be-mated couple meets cute when each tries to grab the same taxicab.

This being a romantic comedy, they meet again when Zoe and her wisecracking best friend (former "Saturday Night Live" regular Michaela Watkins) visit a neighborhood farmer's market and encounter Stan (Alex O'Loughlin of TV's "Moonlight" and "Three Rivers").

Farmer, artisan cheesemaker, all-around dreamboat, Stan's obviously The One. Or he would have been -- if only Zoe had met him before she met Sperm Donor No. 1.

There's a potentially insightful movie tucked inside "The Back-Up Plan's" connect-the-dots premise. (It's called "A Modern Affair," an edgy 1995 comedy that starred Lisa Eichhorn and Stanley Tucci.)

But "The Back-Up Plan's" too busy spinning its sitcom-style wheels to move beyond the most broadly obvious humor.

That's hardly a surprise, considering the TV backgrounds of director Alan Poul ("Swingtown," "Six Feet Under") and screenwriter Kate Angelo ("Will & Grace," "What About Brian"). Yet their TV shows demonstrated a far more nuanced approach to human interaction than the strained, strident comedy stylings that prevail in "The Back-up Plan."

And because those TV shows had shorter running times, they didn't need to develop (or, in this case, underdevelop) underwhelming side plots. Such as the one that has Zoe joining a support group for single expectant mothers who are determined to celebrate their pregnancies -- despite their lack of "penis partners."

It would help if Lopez and O'Loughlin struck the tiniest sparks somewhere -- anywhere -- during the movie. But Lopez demonstrates more chemistry with her handicapped, cart-bound bulldog than she does with her hunky leading man.

To be fair, it's not entirely O'Loughlin's fault. After all, it's tough to bring depth to a character whose most distinguishing characteristic is a tendency to shed his shirt at regular intervals.

And you have to wonder about a movie that can't come up with anything remotely interesting for such dependably droll veterans as Robert Klein (as Zoe's doctor) and Linda Lavin (as Zoe's seen-it-all, know-it-all grandmother). They're a welcome sight, but it's painful to see how badly the script strands them in never-never land.

Then again, never-never land is where "The Back-up Plan" feels most at home.

Whether you feel at home there too depends, of course, on whether the inevitable storybook ending justifies the painfully routine means.

Contact movie critic Carol Cling at ccling@reviewjournal.com or 702-383-0272.