The Replacements

You wanted the best, and you're gonna get something way, way better.

By now, most Kiss fans know that Gene Simmons and Co. have floated the idea of keeping the band name alive by enlisting replacements after the current members retire.

They've said that they may use a reality show competition to determine who their heirs will be, but c'mon, that idea is almost as lame as issuing a new greatest hits album every six months with the exact same songs as the last time out, and this bunch would never stoop that low, right?

And so, in honor of Kiss' stop at The Pearl tonight, we have taken it upon ourselves to help the band out and have undertaken a rigorous vetting process for their star-studded new lineup.

You can thank us later, dudes.

Gene Simmons

The candidates: Chewbacca, Peter Steele, Donald Trump, The Rock

The breakdown: The Wookie is a solid contender here, as Simmons' man fur is of such forest-thick density, it could double as a home for wayward antelope.

Like the God of Thunder, Trump lusts after money like it was some leggy blonde with blurry vision.

Type O Negative frontman Peter Steele has the size and bass playing skills, though his fondness for drinking Jager straight from the bottle onstage might not jibe so well with the straight-edge Simmons, who claims to have never gotten drunk. (Though how else do you explain "The Elder"?)

And so that leaves The Rock. He's a formidable presence whose acting chops can be just as bad as Simmons'. (See "The Scorpion King" and "Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park," and then see a psychiatrist.)

But unlike Simmons, who hasn't busted out a sit-up since the Ford administration, Rock is in fighting shape. We might see the color divide broken in the White House soon. Kiss should follow suit.

The winner: The Rock

Paul Stanley

The candidates: Marilyn Manson, Eliott Spitzer, Alf, Richard Simmons

The breakdown: Like Stanley, Manson is an oversexed androgyne who likes to paint.

Alf has got the chest hair quotient down; Simmons shares a fondness for crotch-smothering spandex that's the scourge of male genitalia everywhere.

But really, who better to carry out Stanley's randy between song banter than former NY governor/attorney general Eliott Spitzer? Can't you just hear Spitzer reciting some of Stanley's immortal stage talk: "I'm packin my pistol, you know what I'm talking about Pittsburgh? My six shooter of sex, my Uzi of ooze. My ... love gun!"

Oooh-kay. Just make sure you get a permit for that thing, guy.

The winner: Spitzer

Ace Frehley

The candidates: Nick Nolte, Mel Gibson, Richie Sambora, Crispin Glover

The breakdown: It's no secret that Ace loves the sauce -- seriously, if you gave the guy a blood transfusion, you'd have to do it with Budweiser.

With this in mind, Nick Nolte is a good choice here, as he's an awesome drunk, though his liver would need its own tour bus. Mel Gibson is a total rager, too, but his anti-Semitic outbursts might not exactly sit so well with, um, certain members of the band.

Sambora's a decent fit, though he's making so much bank with Bon Jovi, he'd have to take quite the pay cut, and Bacardi isn't free -- even if it ought to be.

And so who does that leave to play "Space Ace"?

How about the biggest space case of them all, Crispin Glover, a dude almost as odd as grown men who wear greasepaint and sing songs about getting one's wiener dipped in plaster.

The winner: Glover

Peter Criss

The candidates: Vinnie Paul, Garfield, Heathcliff, Nastassja Kinski, Halle Berry

The breakdown: Criss is famous for having developed the "catman" persona, primarily because he got paid in kitty litter and tins of Fancy Feast.

When it comes to playing felines, Kinski nailed it in "Cat People," a righteous slab of '80s camp cheesy enough to qualify as fondue. The same could be said of Berry.

As for Garfield and Heathcliff, sure, they're cartoons -- you know, just like the other dudes in the band.

That leaves former Pantera drummer Vinnie Paul. He's a huge Kiss fan and could nail the gig in his sleep, even though his hard-hitting metal drumming would give some of the band's aging fan base a heart attack.

Hey, all the better to move some of those Kiss coffins.

The winner: Paul

Contact reporter Jason Bracelin at jbracelin@reviewjournal.com or 702-383-0476.