Holiday tunes spark need for nog

It's never too early to ruin Christmas.

At least according to the music industry -- or that smoldering pile of embers that's all that's left of it.

Hence, around this time every year, record companies start carpet bombing us with dozens of holiday CDs that tend to pack all the seasonal joy of some post-holiday-party dry heaves.

Here's what has come across my desk of late:

Bob Dylan, "Christmas in the Heart": Sure, Dylan's beginning to sound more and more like Tom Waits with a tracheotomy with that dead croak of his, which creaks and moans like a rusty door hinge, but it's still kinda cool to hear him give voice to the gentle swing of "Christmas Blues" or a solemn "I'll Be Home For Christmas." Just avoid his embarrassing take on "Here Comes Santa Claus," where he pulses with all the warmth of a week-old penguin turd.

Michael McDonald, "This Christmas": On the back of "This Christmas," it says that McDonald produced the record himself, though I'd give most of the credit to the guy's colon. You're in for a really, really, really, really white Christmas when McDonald's on the mic, forever overemoting in that hound-dog-passing-a-kidney-stone voice of his. Remember that scene in "40-Year-Old Virgin" where a fed up Paul Rudd threatens to blow his brains out if he has to suffer through any more of McDonald's gaudy yowling? Better hide your bullets now.

Neil Diamond, "A Cherry Cherry Christmas": This disc is so archly syrupy that Aunt Jemima should be suing for royalties -- don't sweat it, Neil, there certainly won't be any. But hey, Christmas is the most pointedly schmaltzy of holidays, and nobody does schmaltz better than Mr. Diamond, whose veins course with enough sap for him to actually qualify as a maple tree. "Let's raise a Christmas toast of red, red wine, we'll even sing 'Sweet Caroline,' " Diamond peacocks on the title track. Pass the Riunite to the left, dudes.

"Eban Schletter's Cosmic Christmas": Why does Santa have three heads? And is that a flaming chariot carved from the skulls of 1,000 baby pterodactyls that he's riding? Get a contact high for Christmas with this lysergic collection of haunting, hypnotic and strangely beautiful soundscape versions of standards such as "We Three Kings" and "Auld Lang Syne." This one hits like peyote in your eggnog.

David Archuleta, "Christmas from the Heart": Archuleta's yuletide entry is kind of like getting socks for Christmas -- socks filled with dead hamsters and the jagged remains of all your broken dreams. Am I being a little too strident? Nah. I have no idea how this guy is kinda, sorta, not really famous, as he has all the personality of an ingrown toenail. Here, he huffs and puffs and blows these songs down, oversinging everything until you're ready to scoop out your cochleas with a melon baller.

Seriously, you'll be wishing for a silent night for real after this one.

Contact reporter Jason Bracelin at jbracelin@reviewjournal.com or 702-383-0476.