Dead Neon strives to fill metal void

"Always the critic, never the show." This is how music scribes are often dismissed. But local author/rock journo Jarret Keene shuts you all up with his kick ass new doom metal band Dead Neon. Read on and learn.

What does Dead Neon sound like?

"Dead Neon strives to sound like a trio of post-apocalyptic radioactive mutants breaking into a Las Vegas Guitar Center at midnight and, courtesy of a gas generator, making noise and smashing instruments until they are no longer instruments but rather wood and metal shards with which to torture, kill and eat the last remaining human survivors who have holed up inside the shattered ruins of Oscar Goodman's Mob Museum. Damn, that's a rad screenplay idea! Give me a sec to write it down somewhere."

You're a music critic, are there any wrongs that you're attempting to right in Dead Neon after years spent listening to sometimes dubious metallers?

"I'm a 40-year-old failed music critic who has had it up to here (indicating his receding hairline) with the ceaseless influx of weak, effeminate indie pop bands along the lines of Vampire Weekend. Cool name, crappy music. These days I'm embracing my inner Ronnie James Dio in order to reclaim my testicles and find inner peace. So yes, I'm trying to right the wrong of having championed puny-sounding bands for so long. Of course, when real metalheads experience Dead Neon, they think I'm trying to wrong something that's already right."

We hear that you play a pink Hello Kitty guitar onstage. This does not seem very metal. And metal is no laughing matter. It is the stuff of frowns and copious amounts of manly chest hair. Explain yourself, please.

"The pink Hello Kitty Guitar was on sale for a mere $99 (with a case!) at Sam Ash. I don't believe a post-apocalyptic radioactive Vegas mutant would immediately reach for a jet-black B.C. Rich Warlock and frown. That's a cliche. He'd most likely grab the Kitty, take a giant bite out of it, laugh maniacally, tease his scorched chest hair, and begin to play Sabbath's "Supernaut." Badly, of course."

We like your band, but why so many songs about puppy dogs and licorice snaps?

"Because nothing tastes better than a spit-roasted puppy stuffed with licorice snaps after all the humans have been eaten. Just ask one of Cormac McCarthy's characters in 'The Road.' Oprah loves his book for this reason."

On a scale of one to 10 measuring hell-inducing brutality, one being the gastrointestinal distress caused by nude photos of Ernest Borgnine, 10 being the agony of an Ugly Kid Joe reunion tour, where does Dead Neon rank?

"At this point in our career, we rank a solid 5, being the suffering induced by watching the French film 'Irreversible' with one's own mom. After I learn to actually, you know, play guitar, we'll make the Ugly Kid Joe reunion sound like an elegant Yo-Yo Ma recital."

See Dead Neon at 10 p.m. Sunday at Boomers, 3200 W. Sirius Ave. Tickets are $5; call 368-1863. Hear Dead Neon at www.myspace.com/deadneonband.

Contact reporter Jason Bracelin at jbracelin@review journal.com or 702-383-0476.