Attention Getter

Here to tell you all about her "co-dependency rehab" is Lisa Lampanelli -- queen of Comedy Central roasts, frequent "Howard Stern Show" comedian, and maybe a co-star of an upcoming HBO show.

Worst of all, while in co-dependency rehab, Lampanelli couldn't have sex for 12 long, long months.

"They teach you not to date for a year -- to get your own identity. Luckily it's been a year, and I can start banging again," she says. "I dated from the age of ... 12 to 45. That's a lot. And what do I have to show for it? My (vagina) is tired."

Oh right, I should mention (if you don't know Lampanelli), her favorite two words are the "c" word and the "n" word. By using those words, she claims she disarms people who then realize, "Wow, unless you have hate behind these words, they don't mean (anything)."

As a woman, she can get away with the "c" word fairly easily. But it's been surprising that, as a comic of Italian descent, she catches no big grief for the "n" word. There are two reasons for that:

A) She is an insult comedian, in the vein of Don Rickles, so she slings just as many slurs for women, Italians and whites as she does for anyone else. But B), she uses the "n" word endearingly (it's like her version of "sweetie") while talking constantly about her fetish for black-man sex. (She's writing a book called, "Chocolate, Please.")

In fact, "co-dependency rehab" convinced her to expand her dating options just in time for her next HBO stand-up special.

"I was gonna call my HBO special, 'Lisa Lampanelli: Not Just For Blacks Anymore,' just to show people that, yes, I do date the white devil now," she says.

Whenever Lampanelli kills at Comedy Central roasts, other stand-ups usually make cracks about her lustings for black men, but they also give her crap about her weight. So, naturally, she has also has just finished "food camp," and she has insights for you.

"I thought it was gonna be all fat (expletives)," she says. "It ends up to be all bulimics and anorexias -- and three fat bitches. So it was horrible. I'm there with these models, and you feel worse about yourself."

Food camp was productive. Lampanelli figured out how to stop eating the pain away.

"I'm trying not to eat when I feel disappointed, or angry or tired," she says. "Now I'm a lovely and nonemotional eater."

Her goal is to slow the amount of things she puts in her mouth and to have a good reason for putting things in her mouth. She isn't necessarily trying to lose weight.

She's even offended when I tell her sex symbol singer Fergie just told me she was trying to lose 15 pounds, after fattening up for a film role: "Fergie really wants to lose weight? Wah, 15 pounds, wah! Tell her to shut up. ... Fifteen pounds is one of my nuts."

Lampanelli is keeping things out of her mouth by attending Overeaters Anonymous meetings. Much like food rehab, OA is effective but odd.

"You're not allowed to mention specific foods (during meetings). So in other words, I can't say, 'I drove by McDonald's and I felt really hungry.' You can't say that, because it might trigger some fat whore to eat.

"Once, it was this lady's birthday, and she was like: 'It's really great to be in OA with you people, and not celebrating with a round thing with candles.' I'm like: 'Bitch, just say 'cake!' "

Lampanelli could bring this sharp persona of hers to a new HBO show, if the pilot (to be shot in a month or two) gets picked up this year. Jim Carrey is producing it. The show would fictionalize the intense life stories of comedians.

Lampanelli says it would be both harsh and funny, like a "Rescue Me" or "Sopranos" for comics.

"The only way to do this show is to make it very drama-driven and dark," she says. "The real comics -- like the Kinisons and the Pryors -- it's really, really interesting and fun to watch, but it's not ha-ha/studio audience, chuckle-chuckle."

Carrey claims other comedies about comics have failed because the true lives of comics are too twisted to be funny, she says.

Example: Lampanelli has rage issues. Not so long ago, she raged and cursed at a mother on a plane to deal with her neglected, screaming kid. But she feels like she has overcome rage through the various rehabs.

"Rage is only fear and sadness turned outward. So (now), I would probably just have to meditate and journal a little bit, and possibly write to the newly fat Oprah," she says.

The rage was a manifestation largely of co-dependency, she says.

"Co-dependency is when you don't have boundaries, when you need somebody else to make yourself feel better. You just aren't whole by yourself -- anybody who feels a little bit defective.

"And come on, every comic feels defective in some way, or we wouldn't be doing this. We'd be totally healthy, great people, with families and kids, and a nice little house, and no need for attention."

Oh, yes, Lisa Lampanelli needs attention.

Doug Elfman's column appears on Mondays, Tuesdays and Fridays. Contact him at 702-383-0391 or e-mail him at delfman@reviewjournal.com. He also blogs at reviewjournal.com/elfman.