Super Lame

This spring and summer will bring another onslaught of movie-based video games. We've already seen "Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian." Coming soon: "Kung Fu Panda," "Incredible Hulk," "The Bourne Conspiracy" and "LEGO Indiana Jones." Yes, Indiana Jones hates LEGO snakes.

This week, there are more marquee titles, "Iron Man" and "Speed Racer: The Videogame." And neither is good enough to rent, let alone buy.

"Iron Man" had a lot of potential. The main cast members from the movie do voice-overs in cinematic scenes. Iron Man fires missiles, he flies and he scorches bad soldiers to death with flames that shoot out of his arms. Theoretically, this sounds like a pleasant afternoon of death.

But other than the cool weaponry and nicely designed battleground sets, everything about "Iron Man" fails.

Robert Downey Jr. and Terrance Howard, two excellent actors usually, sound like robots, as if they are sight reading the script for the first time.

There are zillions of jerkwad bad guys who fire missiles and guns at you relentlessly (and from an annoying distance) to the point where all you do is run, hover and fly in your big iron suit, and get blasted a lot while you try to get closer to slaying idiots who stand there waiting to perish.

The cinema cuts are worse than terrible. There's no online multiplayer. Iron "Chef" would be a better time.

Why is it that many video games, such as "Grand Theft Auto IV" and "Call of Duty 4," can be more engaging than most movies, yet games based on movies are generally less-appealing than Donald Duck outings from a decade ago?

"Speed Racer: The Videogame" is a little better, but it's not even a cinematic movie-based game. It's just a confusing and slight, unfair racing game.

You find yourself saying, "I've got the fastest car on the road. I'm using every single speed boost available to me. And yet, slower cars just passed me? What? I think I'll play something else."

Since it's just a racing game with cool autos and sci-fi, "Wipeout"-like tracks, "Speed" lacks many of the appealing things from the anime cartoon. There's no story line starring Speed, Trixie and Racer X, and you can't use Speed's Mach 5 steering wheel to jump, submarine or shoot.

There's no plot to speak of, although like the new "Speed" movie, roads are lovingly curvy, twisting tracks, painted in zippy cartoon colors of shocking blues, reds and yellows.

And the cars look fantastic, with all those female curves. You can pick 20 cars and drivers to portray, and they all drive with excellent steering controls. I still don't understand why I can't buy one of these things at a local dealership.

The worst thing, though, is it's impossible to maintain a lead. You jump out front in the best car, but it doesn't matter. "Speed Racer's" artificial intelligence forces rivals to catch up and smash you. That's a fine element in silly Nintendo car games, but it ruins the more sober "Speed."

Or maybe the worst thing is there are no cinema scenes where you can ogle Speed's hot girlfriend, Trixie. Yeah. That's the worst thing.

("Iron Man" by Sega retails for $60 for Xbox and PS 3; $50 for Wii; $30 for PSP, PS 2 and DS -- Plays dull. Looks OK. Challenging. Rated "T" for alcohol reference, mild language, violence. One star out of four.)

("Speed Racer: The Videogame" by WB Games retails for $50 for Wii; $30 for DS -- Plays too easy and simple to be consistently fun. Looks very good. Starts easy, becomes more challenging. Rated "E" for fantasy violence and mild language. One and one-half stars.)