To Play and Party

Ron White takes a break from playing golf at California's Montecito Country Club, where he has a house, to call me for 20 minutes and promote his gigs tonight and Saturday at The Mirage.

"Hey Ron, how are you doing?"

"I feel like a hundred pesos," White says in Texas twang.

If you don't know White, 51, he's been the funniest stand-up from the "Blue Collar" tour, which is rounded out by Bill Engvall, Jeff Foxworthy and Larry the Cable Guy. White is the smoker who always has a glass of Scotch in one hand.

"Yeah, and a cigar -- all the time -- and a black suit, even if I'm swimmin'," he jokes.

White doesn't pander to the "Blue Collar" stereotype. He used to joke about how we've all got a little gay in us, which seems like it would contrast with Foxworthy's routine of "You might be a redneck if ..." But it doesn't, really.

Anyway, White -- aka "Tater Salad" -- is golfing with tennis hero Jimmy Connors.

"We're the bad boys of Montecito," he says.

Sometimes, he golfs with Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil never gives him advice.

"Even if I'm having a bad day with a million things going on, he's like, 'Eh, you'll be fine,' " White says. "He's probably the most recognizable mug on the planet. I mean, Oprah (is bigger). But he's got that big shining dome, and that caterpillar mustache."

Let's get back to booze, shall we? His favorite is Johnnie Walker Black Label, but onstage, he goes with Blue Label. In theory, he wouldn't mind doing what Dean Martin supposedly did, sometimes sipping apple juice onstage while pretending it was hooch.

"I wish I could drink apple juice. I think it tastes like (expletive). I like the taste of whiskey and an assortment of really nice ice cubes, as long as they're hand-picked."

"You are so refined," I say.

"I am. I like my cigars expensive and my steaks thick."

Just about here is when our interview gets interrupted.

"Hold on a second. Oh (expletive), lemme call you back in two seconds."

Pretty close to two seconds later, he calls back.

I ask, "Did you drop your drink or something?"

"No, it was somebody I had to talk to that I'm in a little bit of a tiff with."

"Did you punch him?" I ask.

"No, it's a chick."

"You can't punch chicks," I say.

"The president of HBO found that out in Vegas," White says. "Remember, that's what queered this deal I had with HBO -- (the 2007 show) '12 Miles of Bad Road.' ... Then Chris Albrecht slaps his girlfriend, makes the news, HBO fires him, then they cancel that show, $28 million into it. Six episodes into it.

"Him and the chick are still together, so my question is, how exactly hard did he hit her?"

"That must have sucked," I say.

"My character was just a great character, and the writers were really good," White says. "It's too bad it didn't go, because it was a great little show."

He may take another stab at TV.

"But you know," he says, "they say, 'We want something different.' But they want something 5 percent different. They want 'Everybody Loves Raymond-z.' "

I tell White, who calls himself a "pro-death penalty Democrat or something," that I watched his pre-election videos online, where he faux-campaigned for president. Based on his stump speeches, I say, "I know you love sex with Mexicans."

"Love it," he says.

"And you want to sell Florida to Israel."

"It'll be a lot cheaper to take care of them if they're on our soil," he says. "It's getting a little pricey to feather their nest in the Middle East."

What did he think of the real election.

"Obama got my vote, and everybody was dancing in the street," he says. "I'm like, 'Why are you going crazy now? Let's see if his ideas work, and then we'll go crazy together when our country's not (expletive).' "

Then, White asks me to wait for another two seconds.

"You and your chick problems," I say.

"They're deep," he says.

Here's my favorite question: If Ron White huffed into a Breathalyzer onstage, how much Scotch would register?

"I never go on stage drunk. Wait, let me take that back, because that's just a bald-faced lie," he says. "My goal is to take my first drink of the day onstage with me. And so I rarely go onstage baked, but if you catch me late into a second show ... those shows can be pretty sloppy if I'm not careful."

"Do you like Vegas? What do you do when you're here?"

"I play. I party. I gamble. I enjoy all types of worsts in people. I'm coming in a day early and leaving a day late."

Doug Elfman's column appears on Mondays, Tuesdays and Fridays. Contact him at 702-383-0391 or e-mail him at delfman@reviewjournal.com. He also blogs at reviewjournal.com/elfman.