‘Kingsman: The Secret Service’ is brash, bold and breathtakingly violent

Guys, here’s the best possible advice I could give you for your Valentine’s weekend moviegoing:

Bring the lady in your life some flowers and take her to a nice dinner before sitting her down in one of the theaters playing “Fifty Shades of Grey.” Look deeply into her eyes and tell her how much she means to you. Slip a blindfold on her.

Then run, don’t walk, over to an auditorium that’s showing “Kingsman: The Secret Service.”

Offering an early blast of summer spectacle, it’s brash, bold and breathtakingly violent. “Kingsman” cheekily winks at Britain’s gentleman spy genre without giving off a single shagadelic vibe. It’s also geektastic from the get-go.

One of the first faces you see onscreen belongs to Mark Hamill. And in a world where James Bond — not to mention Jason Bourne and Jack Bauer — exists, the movie is worthy of its own aisle at Spies R Us thanks to its poison pens, cigarette lighter grenades and a wristwatch that shoots amnesia darts.

Fittingly for an independent international intelligence agency based in a Savile Row tailor’s shop, the Kingsmen first and foremost are gentlemen. That’s something the group’s top agent, Harry Hart (Colin Firth), instills in Eggsy (Taron Egerton), his street-kid protege, from the moment Harry, armed with only a high-tech umbrella, levels a group of hooligans in a pub without getting a single hair out of place.

Years ago on a secret mission, Harry’s mistake got Eggsy’s father killed. So when Eggsy reaches out from jail, where he’s facing a lengthy stay, Harry brings him into the Kingsmen’s top-secret training academy.

That’s where “Kingsman,” adapted from Mark Millar’s and Dave Gibbons’ graphic novel by writer-director Matthew Vaughn (“Kick-Ass”) and co-writer Jane Goldman, begins to feel a bit like the latter duo’s “X-Men: First Class.” Each day brings a new life-or-death test for the trainees, all of whom except the streetwise Eggsy are of the Oxford or Cambridge variety and boast names such as Digby, Nathaniel and Piers.

There’s but a single opening in the Kingsmen, and it needs to be filled soon because the world’s most influential people, ranging from Scandinavian royalty to rapper Iggy Azalea, have started disappearing.

At the same time, there’s something not quite right about Richmond Valentine (Samuel L. Jackson), the lithping tech billionaire who sounds like Sylvester the cat imitating Mike Tyson and dresses like “Entourage’s” Turtle on his way to the prom. And it’s not just his henchwoman — or the fact that he has a henchwoman — Gazelle (Sofia Boutella), a double amputee with razor-sharp skewers in her metal prosthetics who gives a whole new meaning to the term blade runner.

It turns out Valentine not only knows he’s a supervillain, he has an old-school, Blofeld-worthy lair carved into the side of a mountain to prove it.

From start to finish, “Kingsman” is cartoonish — or maybe graphic-novelish — in the absolute best way possible, thanks to its inventive mix of action. More so than the first time you saw Liam Neeson cracking skulls in “Taken,” there’s something absurdly fun about watching Firth, of “The King’s Speech” and “Pride and Prejudice” fame, flipping about and kicking arse.

He’s one of the main combatants in a free-for-all set in a church — let’s call it Our Lady of the Hate-Filled Hillbilly — that may be the most violent thing I’ve ever seen. Picture the craziest movie fight you can remember. Multiply it by any five minutes from “The Raid: Redemption.” Double that. And imagine Quentin Tarantino guest directed it. Then set it to some Skynyrd.

As Valentine would say, “Holy thit!”

Speaking of the music, Vaughn also makes great use of Mark Knopfler’s guitar riff from “Money for Nothing.” You’ll never think of “Pomp & Circumstance” the same way after seeing “Kingsman.” And Vaughn sets the climax to “Give It Up,” which is great because who among us hasn’t secretly suspected the end of the world would be accompanied by KC & The Sunshine Band?

As Eggsy, Egerton makes a solid first impression. And Mark Strong, as the Kingsmen’s tech guru, follows up his terrific turn in “The Imitation Game.” Sadly, though, neither he, nor Michael Caine, who portrays the leader of the Kingsmen, truly get to join Firth in the fun. The jarring contradiction of seeing his bespoke, posh Harry go all Jason Statham just left me craving more.

I wanted Dame Judi Dench running up the sides of walls. I wanted Maggie Smith throwing Superman punches. Heck, I wanted the rest of the cast of “Downton Abbey” in the middle of a good old-fashioned slobberknocker.

Then again, there’s always the sequel.

Contact Christopher Lawrence at clawrence@reviewjournal.com or 702-380-4567.